Satire: Abdulrahman Abdulrazaq’s Address

Governor Abdulrahman Abdulrazaq

By Faruq Atofarati

My dear fellow Kwarans, these are hard times to live through. I understand that the lives of every Nigerian and Kwarans have been subjected to ridicule. This is caused by the lackluster performance of the APC, but let’s blame it on the sixteen years of the PDP.

I want you to understand, today, that I might be giving my last address as the executive governor of Kwara state, but I wish to fight tooth and nail to return as the Kwara state governor. But before I return to Ivory Coast, where I invested the monies I am unaccountable for, I’ve released all the media Samurais to attack the personality of Saraki once again for the failure of the APC.

I know all of you expected so much from me but sadly, I was glued to the gratifications of being the executive Governor and not the responsibility that comes with. Therefore, blame my incompetence on Saraki. Although, I know I’m vile, not trustworthy, and a liar, I know you know the same about Rafiu Ajakaye. We love propaganda more than the truth. And we value optics more than substance. 

I also want to apologize for keeping my wife, Folake, in my shadow for all these years. As such, she doesn’t seem to see beyond my hate crested back. I’d love to seize this opportunity to apologize for thinking Toyin Saraki is not miles ahead of her, for her giant political and non-political strides. But I will not.

I don’t seem to understand the so-called hardship you all are going through, but I will pretend. In fact, I wouldn’t address the public if not for the imminent election. I can’t even pretend to understand. Everything is Saraki’s fault, so let’s blame him so that his dynasty will not return.

Before I became the governor under the APC flag, I felt none of you cared about my businesses that have turned into pebbles. Now that I have worked hard to be in this seat, I have used your state funds to revitalize my long-dead businesses. I’m glad I won’t be leaving this state empty-handed. I know you all know I live in my brother’s house; it’s Saraki’s fault, too.

Anyways, this address is about the CBN’s currency change, but I had to diverge because I deserve commendations for ousting Saraki and not the critiques of my incompetence that I always read. I know you are all disappointed, but I don’t care.

However, the inconvenience the development of the new notes has brought is because Saraki is still breathing. But let your minds be at rest. The cows and dogs of the APC in our party have been instigated against his personality. Rest assured that the new notes will circulate after that.

I want to categorically tell you that we are not in this together. As you can see, I can go anywhere I want, and my entourage is at its best. You can all blame Saraki for your shortcomings, not the APC.

Lastly, I’m putting my public rallies on hold till further notice because there are no new notes to give the braindead, hungry, hateful, and intellectually incompetent members of my cabinet. Therefore, we shall concentrate on Saraki for the inconveniences. 

I know you all regret voting for the APC, especially for getting swayed by the “O to ge” bunkum. But I want you all to have renewed hope. We are failures, but you can have hope in us again. Actually, there’s nothing you can do about it.

God bless you all.